no judgment here

((recall, if you will as you read this, that i said i would write honestly in this blog, even if it's self-exposing. guess, here's to that!))

you know in the movie "the pursuit of happyness" how will smith's character, chris, always starts a new scene with something like "this part is called..."? well if my life were narrated like that movie, this part would be called "swimming against the current". the last part would've been called "sideways rage". and just like in the movie, my scenes run together, bleeding into one another.

so "sideways rage"...a few weeks ago i put the "yoga and the search for the true self" book aside and started reading "facing codependence", by pia mellody, at the recommendation of L, who knows me well and seems to have already read me like a book. this book about codependence is a requirement for all of their teacher-training yoga students because of the junk that it stirs up in so many people's lives, and the direction & hope it seems to bring about along the way. as i do with (almost) all books, i read the dedication, note from the author, forward, acknowledgments, and introduction before jumping into chapter 1. let me just say that it pissed me off. yeah, that's what it did. it felt as though the author had been in my head over the last five years listening to all the realizations i had about the unhealthy ways i relate to people, and then took the liberty of explaining where those things come from and why ((that's the part that really urked me)). i felt like a fraud. here's a little of what the book says...

"(these) men and women operate as if they believe that by being "perfect" in all they do or by pleasing the people around them they can calm the outsized, uncontrollable, and irrational feelings that tyrannize them. they live in the delusion that the bad feelings...can be quelled if they can just "do it better" or win the approval of certain important people in their lives. by this attitude they unconsciously make those people important and their approval responsible for their own happiness. when those they try to please "don't appreciate what i'm doing for them" and will not give the crucial approval, the emotionally tyrannized individuals become furious. but since the good opinion of the would-be approval giver is so important, this rage must be repressed. and although this rage isn't shown directly, the anger may come out "sideways," in sarcasm, forgetfulness, hostile jokes, or other passive-aggressive behaviors. often such men and women appear to be gentle and helpful. a closer examination, however, reveals in them a powerful need to control and manipulate those around them into giving them the approval they believe they need to subdue their overwhelming feelings."

i told L that, after reading that part, i felt like a fraud because i realized how true this is of the motivations behind my being a "good girl", nice, and helpful. i felt like crap. but she told me, "you cannot judge yourself," and "...all those voices inside you telling you that you're this or that need to be acknowledged as liars and then silenced," "there's no judgment here, just a lot of love". for those of you who know the depths of me, you know this seems virtually impossible. but i've honestly been trying, and have surprised myself with how it's going. it's uncomfortable to choose to love rather than judge myself...i realized that since there's no one in my life right now who treats me like crap, i naturally feel like it's up to me to do that to myself. what in the world!?

the "sideways rage" comes out as i try to temporarily live out of what's been repressed rather than continuing to live in the codependent facade of "good girl".

the "swimming against the current" part is this...everything about the last couple of weeks has been conducive to my unhealthy habits of shutting down and retreating into myself, but because i realize my natural tendencies to do this, i'm choosing to try to swim against it. every day feels like it's going to be the last day i can make it. i've felt like quitting every day, but then i think "well, tomorrow's always better." but tomorrow hasn't been better yet. there's been so much chaos, no schedules or routines, crappy & mixed communication, and even no communication. i can't deal with that in this job, with this family. but i stay because, even though L & I have been frustrated with each other a bit, and haven't been communicating well at all, there's still a lot of love and i know that we'll talk about it soon and work something out. someday soon, i know that tomorrow will be better. so even though it's hard right now and i've thought about quitting, it still feels worth it and totally where i need to be right now.