tropical storm alert

guess i don't necessarily visualize myself on a map to realize how close to the eastern coast i am. never having spent any amount of time near a coast before, let alone live there, i was shocked to see the tropical storm warning for our area. hurricane hanna's projected path is supposed to affect our area late tomorrow night to early sunday morning. guess it'll be like tornado weather, only with a lot more water, right?

gone tourist

the bull








wall street











ground zero. i had to stick my camera through a hole in the fence to get this snap.










um, ok...so something about walking by this cemetery struck me funny. how the heck do they expect anyone to "rest in peace" in the middle of new york city?









hehe, just ripley's believe it or not








hmm...don't know what this is, but i liked it =)











St. Peter's Cathedral











in the subway








this was as close as i could get to lady liberty...and the picture is zoomed & cropped =)







a couple fellas break-dancin'











the front of grand central station








the chrysler building. is king kong the first thing that pops into anyone else's mind when they think of the chrysler building, or is it just me...?










just another street








my only companion...she's not much for conversation or physical touch, and she only comes along on sunny days. but on those days, she keeps up with me wherever i decide go to =)






some freakish jekyll & hyde club...interesting building, though!

this might be news to some of you, but just for your information, although i absolutely love to travel, there's something about being a tourist that i don't love. so my first several trips into the city, i kind of avoided the tourism and just tried to find my way around the places i needed to know...to familiarize myself with certain areas and with the public transportation systems. but a few sundays ago i finally broke down and took my camera out of its hiding spot in my backpack. i walked the whole day! i arrived in the city around 11.30 a.m., stopped for a 20 minute lunch break around 2, and then walked until i boarded my train at 7.30 p.m. i probably could've covered the whole length of manhattan that day, but i wanted to book it to one touristy site just to take a picture then book it to the next one =) it felt great to walk so much, though! and it feels even better to be confident in being able to find my way around.

"cool, big guy stuff"

i took tati & ian and their cousin max to bear mountain state park for awhile this morning...

...then tati went to a birthday party while i took the boys to the beach to do "cool, big guy stuff," according to ian. it's ok though, it's not much of a stretch for me to do things with the "guys" since i have a long history of tomboyishness =) the other little guy in the picture is our friend tomas. he's in ian's class and his sister is in tati's, so we hang out a lot.

just us

the kids and i had a great time making movies the other night =) once (if) i get the video uploaded on my computer, i'll post it. but i would start to narrate to help get their minds going a little, then leave a blank where they had to decide what their character was going to do or say next. the funniest was when ian wanted to be a "knitting boy who has no answers," meaning, he only knew how to knit and he didn't have a voice. hehe!

train ride

i love the last 10 or so miles on the tracks along the hudson back to the garrison station, when i get a seat on the left side of the train. ((the other side...not so interesting))

this is bear mountain bridge. it was built privately by some family way back when.

my little buddy

this is one of our angel fish. he's so funny...he seriously follows & watches me every time i walk by the tank, and when i open the top, he always comes right to the top of the water. i know he just associates me with food, but hey...it's fun =) i never really liked fish before we got this aquarium. guess i'm cool with this one because i don't have to do anything to take care of it, except feed them occasionally. i can get lost just watching all the stuff charles has going on in this tank.

common phrases, classic mispronunciations, etc.

"...wul'...wul'..." ((...well...well...)).  ((translations?  "...i'm trying to argue my way out of the trouble i just got myself into," or, "...i'm right, even if you think i'm wrong.")) --ian

"janessa...(either long silence, random question, or statement from out in left-field somewhere)...??  janessa...?  janessa...?"  --ian

"wu'f...?"  ((what if...?))  "...oh, i know..."  --ian

"yew nork city"  ((new york city)) --tati

"play that funky music black boy..." --tati.  "tats, did you know that the song really says, 'play that funky music white boy',"?  --me.  "play that funky music white boy........but that just doesn't make any sense!"  --tati

"it's opposite day!  do you think i'm the meanest?" --ian.  "yeah, you're the meanest!" --me.  "aw, thank you!"  --ian.  "you're the nicest person in the whole world!"  --tati.  "ahh...that breaks my little heart!"  --ian

"please don't stop that music, music...please don't stop that music..."  --ian

and, my all time favorite..."transgenderation"  ((grand central station))  --ian

the beach

sometimes we like to go to the beach along the river. it's a chill spot, but there are always a lot of people there. the whole family went this time and we took the dog plus our friend frank (the extra guy in the second picture). lisa and i stayed out of the water...this was a couple weeks ago when both of us were in the middle of our messed-up-edness =)

this last picture was taken earlier at a different spot along the river, but i love it (although my camera doesn't take the best quality pictures) so thought i'd throw it in, too.

spiderman's 4th birthday party

showin' off his muscles!

this slide was his birthday present. charles dressed up as a villain (in a wet suit & goggles, with a hose from the shop-vac as his weapon) and it was up to spiderman to save the day. so funny to watch =) the kids loved it, although spiderman hadn't yet arrived on the scene in this picture.

and i just think this one is sooo cute =) didn't know spidey played the harmonica!

jammies & face paint...pure bliss!

lisa painted the kids' faces the other night. tati was so enamored with her ice-princess face and had a hard time concealing the bliss of it all. i love her face in this picture because she's trying so hard not to just burst at the seams with her smile. and then there's ian. he's just funny. he's some sort of super-hero, with a kung fu panda head band.

booked my flight...let's hang out!

i just booked my flight to come back to kansas for a visit next month. i'll be there from the 22nd to the 31st of august...let's make plans to hang out =) i'll update this post as i know more of what my plans for that week will be like...when i'll be where, and such.

thoughts on pain

every morning at breakfast this week e-e has been saying his leg hurts. he's been going through a growing spurt. so this morning after he kinda cried about his pain, we cheered and celebrated the fact that he's growing.

i had my acupuncture appointment today and, let's just say i wasn't expecting anything more than a bunch of little pin pricks, and was not-so-pleasantly surprised by the actual initial experience of it. as i was laying there thinking about how i just wanted to call it all off and jump up & run out of there, i thought that it would be better to experience a little more pain now if it would help my back, than to avoid the extra pain yet still have my back pain.

we went to the hospital to see lisa today and, though she looks much better and has an appetite & some energy, she had been through the ringer today...a CAT scan, MRI, spinal tap, and a few other things that i don't remember. ...plus several attempts at iv's because she has tiny veins. so she's had to go through extra pain in order to figure out what's going on with the pain she already has.

lessons learned? ...pain can be a tool for growth and health. avoiding temporary pain can in turn cause prolonged pain, or worse. and awareness of growth in pain is worth rejoicing over.

between the two of us...

layin' on the grass at one of the "castles" on top of a mountain overlooking the most beautiful view of the hudson i've ever seen, watching the little people take their swing at a couple pinatas and listening to the chatter of sweet young mommies as they watch their little guys celebrate twin girls' fourth birthdays today. a lovely way to spend the day, don't you think? that is...if you're not laying on the grass under the pinata, crying because your back spazzed out, you're in intense pain, and you can't freaking get up & walk!!!

here's how it went down. i was...holding e-e. that's it. i've held a million kids, a million times...but this one time...! and it's not like we were even messing around or anything. just standing there, me under the pinata with e-e in my arms, just talking to him. i went to put him down so he could finish his lunch and snap...i couldn't get back up. my face must have said a hundred words because i had 4 moms gathered around asking if i was ok. i told them i couldn't move, that my back had gone out or something. i finally made (or more like, crashed) my way to the ground and just laid there. this has happened before, so i thought i could just ride it out and in a little bit it would calm down and i'd be fine. 2 hours and lots of tears later, i still wasn't fine. no one quite knew what to do for me. one of the men who owns the castle (good family friends of ours) called all of his chiropractor friends and got advice from them, but none of them were free to come check me out. he wanted to call ems and get me to the emergency room (just so happens that he's an emt!) but i told him no because i don't have insurance. we iced my back and i just...you know, laid there. after about 3 hours, the party was over and we were the last ones there. ((oh, did i mention that i had 4 kids with me, not just my regular 2!? ...but thier grandma was with us as well, so she watched all 4 while i...laid. thank God she was there!)) i finally made my way to the car and when we made it home i grabbed the quickest snacks i could manage for the kids and we turned on a movie and there i lay on the toy-room floor for another hour until L came home.

here's where it gets crazy (as if that wasn't crazy enough). usually i have the kids all day and through the night on thursdays because C & L both stay over in the city, but L stayed home this morning because she had a terrible migraine. so she went to the doctor while we were at the party and when she got home, she mustered up enough strength to take care of me. i'm lucky to live with body-working people =) so here we are...i can't stand up to walk, she can't bend over, the kids are starving and cranky (yet trying to be helpful because they know i'm in a lot of pain), trying to do the best we can. i got in child's pose (kneeling on the ground, body bent over the knees resting on them) over a cylinder-shaped pillow thingy and she did some back work on me. it hurt SOO bad...i was bawling. and she was hurting badly because of her migraine. but whatever she did released so much of the tension in my back. afterwards she ran a bath for me and helped me to it...very very slowly. then she helped me back downstairs to my room, made dinner for me, and helped me to the bathroom again. as we were walking (if you could even call it that) she said, "maybe between the two of us, we can make up one person". i said, "great, you take care of the high stuff (she couldn't bend over) and i'll take care of the low stuff." we were a total mess! someday we're going to laugh so hard about this...someday.

anyway, so here i lie, still in pain, but at least it's bearable now. i won't be going anywhere for a couple days (except to the acupuncturist with L tomorrow). but we have a TON to do to get ready for e-e's birthday party on sunday. crap! what a humbling experience, though. i hate to be helpless...especially when there are a ton of people around witnessing my helplessness. all the moms were SO sweet though...i'm thankful to have been around such helpful people when that happened. it happened a few years ago and i just had to lay in my bedroom until my roommates got home! and jenn, do you remember last year with my neck? ...yeah, it was like that, only with my lower back...for the whole day!

anyway, i'm rambling. i'm so tired that i'm actually typing with my eyes closed part of the time! guess i'll go to bed now. thanks for reading my rambles =) love to you all!

tomorrow has come!

**big sigh of relief** in my post about sideways rage and swimming against the current, i said that eventually my better tomorrow would come. well, it came sooner than i thought it would...today was that day. L and i had a good 2 to 3 hour meeting this morning and talked about all the craziness from last week, what was going on internally for both of us, what we needed to do to make communication better, and what our expectations were for each other within the job and family life. it was so good. my friends, you'd be proud of me...i shared my frustrations & other feelings, i voiced my needs, and i gave honest feedback as to what i saw going on, as well as received feedback from L. it helps that she very much encourages me to do those things, and in turn does the same with me. after i managed to get it all out, it felt glorious...i felt clean, and L & i were more connected.

another thing i did today was to just make a list of things i need in my days (or weeks, however much i can fit it in) in order for me function in my job and grow & become healthier. that list includes things like having plenty of time outside (especially in the mornings when it's cool), getting enough rest, spending intentional time with friends (once i make a few more =) ), staying in touch with y'all back home (sorry i've been terrible at it), playing my guitar (yeah, i bought a guitar last week! i love it!) or doing something else musical like going to concerts etc., being creative (writing, art, making cards, whatever), exploring, reading, and doing my yoga. these are things i've found that add life in my days. the great thing is that C & L actually encourage me to do these things, and try to keep me in check with them if they sense i'm "hermit-izing" =) ...they're great.

music within...earn a point of view

i know, i'm going blog-crazy again, but i've just got so much inside that needs to come out and this seems to be the best place for that to happen right now. and i'm sort of exercising compartmentalization...each new thought gets a new post =)

last weekend i rented a movie on i-tunes to watch while i was in the city. it was called "music within". the story is about a man who loses his hearing in an explosion during the war in vietnam and the only person he's able to hear is a man with cerebral palsy. the deaf man, right after losing his hearing, tries to get into college to be a writer or speaker but is denied because of his disability, so he goes straight to a public-speaking professor himself to try to convince him of his knack for speaking on stage. after giving his prepared speeches, the professor basically tells the man that he's the best speaker he's ever heard, but he's full of crap. he then tells him to, "go earn a point of view and come back when you have something to say." the guy goes on to earn his point of view by working to get employers to hire the war vets who were disabled in action, and he eventually has a hand in getting the veterans with disabilities bill passed.

that line has really stuck with me this week..."earn a point of view". i'll probably have more thoughts on it to come later.

God doesn't make garbage

that's what he said this morning. i had just thanked him for making me a cup of tea, and he thanked me for "being a great nanny", so i mentioned how maybe this past week wasn't so great ((because of the things i forgot, my own crap coming up and interfering with work, and the tension due to the missed communication, and lack thereof)). we joked about perfectionism, and my imperfection & difficulty with it, then in all seriousness C said, "God doesn't make garbage. did you know that?" i said, "so i've been told." i've heard that a million times, in different ways, but why in the world do i believe it more coming from him? let's just say that this guy is...very colorful. ...in his language, in his actions and humor, in his mannerisms & behavior, in his styles of relating to people ((just like his son e-e, he knows no strangers)), and in his own imperfections as well. God doesn't make garbage.

no judgment here

((recall, if you will as you read this, that i said i would write honestly in this blog, even if it's self-exposing. guess, here's to that!))

you know in the movie "the pursuit of happyness" how will smith's character, chris, always starts a new scene with something like "this part is called..."? well if my life were narrated like that movie, this part would be called "swimming against the current". the last part would've been called "sideways rage". and just like in the movie, my scenes run together, bleeding into one another.

so "sideways rage"...a few weeks ago i put the "yoga and the search for the true self" book aside and started reading "facing codependence", by pia mellody, at the recommendation of L, who knows me well and seems to have already read me like a book. this book about codependence is a requirement for all of their teacher-training yoga students because of the junk that it stirs up in so many people's lives, and the direction & hope it seems to bring about along the way. as i do with (almost) all books, i read the dedication, note from the author, forward, acknowledgments, and introduction before jumping into chapter 1. let me just say that it pissed me off. yeah, that's what it did. it felt as though the author had been in my head over the last five years listening to all the realizations i had about the unhealthy ways i relate to people, and then took the liberty of explaining where those things come from and why ((that's the part that really urked me)). i felt like a fraud. here's a little of what the book says...

"(these) men and women operate as if they believe that by being "perfect" in all they do or by pleasing the people around them they can calm the outsized, uncontrollable, and irrational feelings that tyrannize them. they live in the delusion that the bad feelings...can be quelled if they can just "do it better" or win the approval of certain important people in their lives. by this attitude they unconsciously make those people important and their approval responsible for their own happiness. when those they try to please "don't appreciate what i'm doing for them" and will not give the crucial approval, the emotionally tyrannized individuals become furious. but since the good opinion of the would-be approval giver is so important, this rage must be repressed. and although this rage isn't shown directly, the anger may come out "sideways," in sarcasm, forgetfulness, hostile jokes, or other passive-aggressive behaviors. often such men and women appear to be gentle and helpful. a closer examination, however, reveals in them a powerful need to control and manipulate those around them into giving them the approval they believe they need to subdue their overwhelming feelings."

i told L that, after reading that part, i felt like a fraud because i realized how true this is of the motivations behind my being a "good girl", nice, and helpful. i felt like crap. but she told me, "you cannot judge yourself," and "...all those voices inside you telling you that you're this or that need to be acknowledged as liars and then silenced," "there's no judgment here, just a lot of love". for those of you who know the depths of me, you know this seems virtually impossible. but i've honestly been trying, and have surprised myself with how it's going. it's uncomfortable to choose to love rather than judge myself...i realized that since there's no one in my life right now who treats me like crap, i naturally feel like it's up to me to do that to myself. what in the world!?

the "sideways rage" comes out as i try to temporarily live out of what's been repressed rather than continuing to live in the codependent facade of "good girl".

the "swimming against the current" part is this...everything about the last couple of weeks has been conducive to my unhealthy habits of shutting down and retreating into myself, but because i realize my natural tendencies to do this, i'm choosing to try to swim against it. every day feels like it's going to be the last day i can make it. i've felt like quitting every day, but then i think "well, tomorrow's always better." but tomorrow hasn't been better yet. there's been so much chaos, no schedules or routines, crappy & mixed communication, and even no communication. i can't deal with that in this job, with this family. but i stay because, even though L & I have been frustrated with each other a bit, and haven't been communicating well at all, there's still a lot of love and i know that we'll talk about it soon and work something out. someday soon, i know that tomorrow will be better. so even though it's hard right now and i've thought about quitting, it still feels worth it and totally where i need to be right now.

independence day

as i was thinking of a title for this blog, it's sad to say, but it hit me that the 4th of July means no more to me than fireworks. "independence day"...i feel so far removed from the actual celebration of this day that i don't even think about it anymore...i just see colorful explosions in the sky and hear a bunch of cheering. isn't that the way we do? ...build something up so much that it actually strips away the original meaning and creates something of empty hype?

just my thoughts as i type this. it didn't even occur to me on the actual day to celebrate freedom, but here's a picture of the fireworks from where i stood. there were thousands of people crowded on the FDR highway and intersecting streets (23rd through 42nd i believe) in nyc to watch the macy's fireworks show. i only showed up about 20 minutes before it started, so i got a view behind a building, and the fireworks i actually saw were only the ones on the fringe of the main show =) but that's ok. it was raining right up until the start of the show then it suddenly quit. crazy.

in the city

i ventured out to the city for the first time yesterday...by myself! i took the train, so my first stop was grand central station, then i took the subway just a little ways to get closer to central park, then i walked through central park to the museum of natural history. after that i walked to broadway then followed that for a while then ventured off, only to later make my way to 42nd & back to broadway, then to 5th ave and back to the terminal at grand central. lots of walking, but it felt SO good to get out and do that. i felt a lot more comfortable & confident in finding my way around than i thought i would. i have to admit, it was pretty cool. i'm going back on friday to spend the weekend at the apartment. should be tons of fun =) ...wish i had some company...anyone want to jump on a plane friday?? =D here are the 4 pictures i took...

central park


monument in front of the museum of natural history


broadway & times square


another around broadway & times square

the heart leads...

let's face it...i have terrible posture! i was talking about it with L the other night and she helped me realign correctly and, touching my chest and then my forehead, said, "the heart leads, the head's just along for the ride". i like to think of that more figuratively than anatomically. it's difficult for me...even figuratively, i lead more with my head and less with my heart than i thought i did. but that's one big area that i feel has been given room to grow, and that, my friends, is a good thing!

another one-liner from L that i've been thinking on is "the body never lies". this came about last week when we were doing a private yoga session together, and an unnatural movement for me brought more clarity to certain past life-events. i'm already convinced that my body knows me far better than i know my body, so i continue to be excited about yoga.
((more details on other insights to come later))

i miss my little man!

this is the little guy (the duke man) i worked with at head start last year. what i wouldn't give for another moment of snuggling with him, or having him get his snack all over me & down my shirt. or to hear his "singing" and other noises...to tickle him as he looks at me with his "i'm waiting for you to tickle me" look. oh how i love him!

((lyn, you are truly blessed to have this wonderful little man...thanks for sharing him with us at head start! much love to your family))

more snaps

on sunday i took a little roadtrip around the area. i only covered about 90 miles, but there was a lot to take in in that small area. first i hit an art museum & gallery (the dia in beacon) which was pretty great! i saw some stuff from one of my favorite sculptors (richard serra). he uses massive layers of sheet metal to create sculptures in ways that when you're walking by, around, or in them it actually feels like the space around you is moving...dancing. it's so amazing! then i explored a little bit of main street in the town of beacon, which was also really cool...art galleries behind every other door of the long line of buildings on main street. then, after finding this spot using my cool navigation tool on my phone, i hit an indian cuisine place for dinner. i usually don't enjoy public outings by myself, but it wasn't so bad...although it would've been great to have some company from kansas =) here are a few pictures i took around our town (garrison) that day...

this is one of my favorite spots...i see this clearing between the hills every morning when i take e-e to school. it's beautiful! if you look closely, you'll notice a "castle" at the top of the hill. this whole area used to be owned by just a few very wealthy people, so this is one of the original homes.

this is just a cool picture of the railroad tracks near the station =)

westpoint military academy across the hudson river

the garrison "yacht club" =)

just another cool picture, in my opinion

more than just a hammock

the hammock in our backyard hangs above a beautiful moss-covered patch of ground and is surrounded by the rugged rocks & trees in the woods. this has become my place of losing and finding myself...my place of rest...my place of peace. one of the hardest things for me to do is to stop. stop working, stop thinking, stop moving, stop over-analyzing. but here, it's all i can do...it feels so natural, and i lose myself in the splendor of the scenery and the sounds of the life around me, only to find myself at peace.

the following is another excerpt from the book i've been reading--yoga and the quest for the true self, by stephen cope

"in the yogic view, it is in these moments that we know who we really are. we rest in our true nature and know beyond a doubt that everything is ok, and not just ok, but unutterably well. we know that there is nothing to accept and nothing to reject. life just is as it is. it is in these moments that we awaken from the dream of separateness in which we usually live. the whole path of yoga begins with these little daily experiences of waking up. awakening comes, in yoga, not at the end of the path--rather, it is present from the very beginning. ...it is our awake nature that recognizes itself in the mirror of consciousness. in these moments, we are dissolved back into the One that is our source."

indigo

meet the newest addition to the family...indigo! he's a super-sweet 6-month-old german shepard. i was a little iffy about him when we went to look at him yesterday...he just seemed out of it and not too interested in us. guess he seemed depressed. but the change just since we brought him home has been amazing! he adores the kids...follows them everywhere and is so gentle with them. the not-so-great-dog of the neighborhood (aubrey) came by this morning to dig in our garbage, as he does every morning, but indi gave one loud bark (not even a bit aggressive) and audrey went scampering off =)
this dog is perfect for us right now, as he's already house-broken & over his little puppy stage (which is totally fun, but a LOT of work) and he's had a lot of exposure to dogs and kids. he's just great...and beautiful.

but you're part of the family now

k, just for the record, i'm going to start writing "e-e" and "tata" when i talk about the kids.

for the last three days, e-e has been pretending to be a puppy named "max". "max" is a really sweet dog and gives nice little puppy-dog kisses...you know, the kind where they LICK your face! i had had enough puppy-kisses so (after one on my arm while i was helping him in the bathroom) i told e-e to save them for his mom and he said, "but you're part of the family now." both of these kids are really sweet (90% of the time...for me). =)

the kids are so in love with dogs and, well...so am i. the parents have been talking about getting a dog for awhile, so yesterday they asked me if i'd be up for it. of course i said yes =) i think we're going to look for one this weekend!

the view from where i sit

i know, i know...i'm going blog-crazy. but i kinda like it. anyway, i have today off so i've spent most of the morning laying in the hammock in our backyard...reading, thinking, not reading, not thinking, dozing. it's been beautiful! here's the view...

the book i'm reading is "yoga and the quest for the true self" by stephen cope. just thought i'd read something that would help me understand the family i'm living with a little bit more, as they are yoga instructors. in the book, i've found myself connected with and inspired by a couple poems cope quotes. they are me, setting out to sail on this journey...

"you see, i want a lot.
perhaps i want everything
the darkness that comes with every infinite fall
and the shivering blaze of every step up.
"so many live on and want nothing and are raised to the rank of prince
by the slippery ease of their light judgements.
"but what you love to see are faces
that do work and feel thirst.
you love most of all those who need you
as they need a crowbar or a hoe.
you have not grown old, and it is not too late
to dive into your increasing depths
where life calmly gives out its own secret"
--rainer maria rilke, das stundenbuch

"passage o soul to india!
passage, immediate passage! the blood burns in my veins!
away o soul! hoist instantly the anchor!
cut the hawsers--haul out--shake out every sail!
have we not stood here like trees in the ground long enough?
have we not grovel'd here long enough, eating and drinking like mere brutes?
have we not darken'd and dazed ourselves with books long enough?
"set forth--steer for the deep waters only,
reckless o soul, exploring, i with thee, and thou with me,
for we are bound where mariner has not yet dared to go
and we will risk the ship, ourselves and all.
'o my brave soul!
o farther farther sail!
o daring joy, but safe! are they not all the seas of God?
o farther, farther, farther sail!"
--walt whitman, passage to india

most valuable possession

it's difficult to pack all of your stuff in 3 suitcases, but as i was doing that last week it became clear to me (and jenni s & jo, too!) that this painting is my most valuable possession. i'm sure those girls were probably annoyed by how difficult and over-protective i was being about getting it packed securely in a suitcase, but it's irreplaceable to me. it's a painting by joan, one of my best friends in kenya, that she gave me and it means more to me than anything else i own. anyway, just wanted to share it with y'all =)

it's all in the breath

"L" (the mom / wife) and i had a great chat tonight, and i had my first informal lesson in yoga. (jenni w, you were right...it's all in the breath). the other day, L said "girl, you're not breathing," and i was like, "i'm not!?" so tonight i learned the secret of the breath. it's not through the mouth or through the upper nasal cavity...the breath should come long and deep through the throat, via the nose. ...like the warm breath you would use to fog up your glasses to clean them (only with your mouth closed, and through the nose instead) rather than the cool breath you would use to blow on a hot bite of food.
as i understand it, throat chakras are blockages actually in your throat that keep you from breathing deeply (or, causing you to restrict your breathing). restricted breathing allows you to feel less, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. these blockages occur whenever something frightening or traumatic happens ((you know, like when you get scared & stop breathing for a minute and sort of turn your face downward)) and they stay there, continuing to restrict breathing.
so as i was practicing my breathing, thinking about the significance of the breath according to the practice of yoga, i wondered if maybe my shallow breathing and my lack of words (see yesterday's post) are related.
we've had teacher-training at the house all weekend and tomorrow is the last day for this group of people, so they'll be practicing teaching as their final, and L invited (encouraged) me to sit in.
...that i would keep an open mind and learner's heart.

say what you need to say

alright, while i'm still at the beginning of this part of the journey, i'm making an executive decision amongst all the voices and suggestions in my head, to write "wholly" in my blog rather than just informationally. by "wholly" i don't mean that i'll write about every detail of every detail, and the thoughts i do write may seem incomplete, but i want to use this blog as an outlet for whatever area within me that needs it. i also want to use it as an honest venue of communication with everyone who's wondering about this journey of mine.

john mayer's song, say, has been playing in the back of my head since the first time i heard it. and it's not playing as background music...it's encouraging me, urging me, sometimes it even seems to be aggressively pushing me to "say what (i) need to say". but i can't...can't find words right now. so i guess i want this blog to be more of a pledge to say what i need to say, as it comes.

take all of your wasted honor
every little past frustration
take all of your so-called problems
better put 'em in quotations

say what you need to say (x8)

walking like a one-man army
fighting with shadows in your head
living out the same old moment
knowing you'd be better off instead
if you could only

say what you need to say (x8)

have no fear for giving in
have no fear for giving over
you better know that in the end
it's better to say too much
than never to say what you need to say again

even if your hands are shaking
and your faith is broken
even as the eyes are closing
do it with a heart wide open

say what you need to say (x24)

just some snaps

here are just a few pictures from today. i'll post more as i have time...


"I" jumping on the trampoline in front of the house.

part of the road we live on. "I" and i walked the half mile to the end of this road today where we picked "T" up from the bus stop. well, it was more like he rode his bike, i ran. it took less than ten minutes to get to there and more than 30 to get back. we had to "save" every living caterpillar crawling across the road.

so sweet =)

our chipmunk faces!