booked my flight...let's hang out!

i just booked my flight to come back to kansas for a visit next month. i'll be there from the 22nd to the 31st of august...let's make plans to hang out =) i'll update this post as i know more of what my plans for that week will be like...when i'll be where, and such.

thoughts on pain

every morning at breakfast this week e-e has been saying his leg hurts. he's been going through a growing spurt. so this morning after he kinda cried about his pain, we cheered and celebrated the fact that he's growing.

i had my acupuncture appointment today and, let's just say i wasn't expecting anything more than a bunch of little pin pricks, and was not-so-pleasantly surprised by the actual initial experience of it. as i was laying there thinking about how i just wanted to call it all off and jump up & run out of there, i thought that it would be better to experience a little more pain now if it would help my back, than to avoid the extra pain yet still have my back pain.

we went to the hospital to see lisa today and, though she looks much better and has an appetite & some energy, she had been through the ringer today...a CAT scan, MRI, spinal tap, and a few other things that i don't remember. ...plus several attempts at iv's because she has tiny veins. so she's had to go through extra pain in order to figure out what's going on with the pain she already has.

lessons learned? ...pain can be a tool for growth and health. avoiding temporary pain can in turn cause prolonged pain, or worse. and awareness of growth in pain is worth rejoicing over.

between the two of us...

layin' on the grass at one of the "castles" on top of a mountain overlooking the most beautiful view of the hudson i've ever seen, watching the little people take their swing at a couple pinatas and listening to the chatter of sweet young mommies as they watch their little guys celebrate twin girls' fourth birthdays today. a lovely way to spend the day, don't you think? that is...if you're not laying on the grass under the pinata, crying because your back spazzed out, you're in intense pain, and you can't freaking get up & walk!!!

here's how it went down. i was...holding e-e. that's it. i've held a million kids, a million times...but this one time...! and it's not like we were even messing around or anything. just standing there, me under the pinata with e-e in my arms, just talking to him. i went to put him down so he could finish his lunch and snap...i couldn't get back up. my face must have said a hundred words because i had 4 moms gathered around asking if i was ok. i told them i couldn't move, that my back had gone out or something. i finally made (or more like, crashed) my way to the ground and just laid there. this has happened before, so i thought i could just ride it out and in a little bit it would calm down and i'd be fine. 2 hours and lots of tears later, i still wasn't fine. no one quite knew what to do for me. one of the men who owns the castle (good family friends of ours) called all of his chiropractor friends and got advice from them, but none of them were free to come check me out. he wanted to call ems and get me to the emergency room (just so happens that he's an emt!) but i told him no because i don't have insurance. we iced my back and i just...you know, laid there. after about 3 hours, the party was over and we were the last ones there. ((oh, did i mention that i had 4 kids with me, not just my regular 2!? ...but thier grandma was with us as well, so she watched all 4 while i...laid. thank God she was there!)) i finally made my way to the car and when we made it home i grabbed the quickest snacks i could manage for the kids and we turned on a movie and there i lay on the toy-room floor for another hour until L came home.

here's where it gets crazy (as if that wasn't crazy enough). usually i have the kids all day and through the night on thursdays because C & L both stay over in the city, but L stayed home this morning because she had a terrible migraine. so she went to the doctor while we were at the party and when she got home, she mustered up enough strength to take care of me. i'm lucky to live with body-working people =) so here we are...i can't stand up to walk, she can't bend over, the kids are starving and cranky (yet trying to be helpful because they know i'm in a lot of pain), trying to do the best we can. i got in child's pose (kneeling on the ground, body bent over the knees resting on them) over a cylinder-shaped pillow thingy and she did some back work on me. it hurt SOO bad...i was bawling. and she was hurting badly because of her migraine. but whatever she did released so much of the tension in my back. afterwards she ran a bath for me and helped me to it...very very slowly. then she helped me back downstairs to my room, made dinner for me, and helped me to the bathroom again. as we were walking (if you could even call it that) she said, "maybe between the two of us, we can make up one person". i said, "great, you take care of the high stuff (she couldn't bend over) and i'll take care of the low stuff." we were a total mess! someday we're going to laugh so hard about this...someday.

anyway, so here i lie, still in pain, but at least it's bearable now. i won't be going anywhere for a couple days (except to the acupuncturist with L tomorrow). but we have a TON to do to get ready for e-e's birthday party on sunday. crap! what a humbling experience, though. i hate to be helpless...especially when there are a ton of people around witnessing my helplessness. all the moms were SO sweet though...i'm thankful to have been around such helpful people when that happened. it happened a few years ago and i just had to lay in my bedroom until my roommates got home! and jenn, do you remember last year with my neck? ...yeah, it was like that, only with my lower back...for the whole day!

anyway, i'm rambling. i'm so tired that i'm actually typing with my eyes closed part of the time! guess i'll go to bed now. thanks for reading my rambles =) love to you all!

tomorrow has come!

**big sigh of relief** in my post about sideways rage and swimming against the current, i said that eventually my better tomorrow would come. well, it came sooner than i thought it would...today was that day. L and i had a good 2 to 3 hour meeting this morning and talked about all the craziness from last week, what was going on internally for both of us, what we needed to do to make communication better, and what our expectations were for each other within the job and family life. it was so good. my friends, you'd be proud of me...i shared my frustrations & other feelings, i voiced my needs, and i gave honest feedback as to what i saw going on, as well as received feedback from L. it helps that she very much encourages me to do those things, and in turn does the same with me. after i managed to get it all out, it felt glorious...i felt clean, and L & i were more connected.

another thing i did today was to just make a list of things i need in my days (or weeks, however much i can fit it in) in order for me function in my job and grow & become healthier. that list includes things like having plenty of time outside (especially in the mornings when it's cool), getting enough rest, spending intentional time with friends (once i make a few more =) ), staying in touch with y'all back home (sorry i've been terrible at it), playing my guitar (yeah, i bought a guitar last week! i love it!) or doing something else musical like going to concerts etc., being creative (writing, art, making cards, whatever), exploring, reading, and doing my yoga. these are things i've found that add life in my days. the great thing is that C & L actually encourage me to do these things, and try to keep me in check with them if they sense i'm "hermit-izing" =) ...they're great.

music within...earn a point of view

i know, i'm going blog-crazy again, but i've just got so much inside that needs to come out and this seems to be the best place for that to happen right now. and i'm sort of exercising compartmentalization...each new thought gets a new post =)

last weekend i rented a movie on i-tunes to watch while i was in the city. it was called "music within". the story is about a man who loses his hearing in an explosion during the war in vietnam and the only person he's able to hear is a man with cerebral palsy. the deaf man, right after losing his hearing, tries to get into college to be a writer or speaker but is denied because of his disability, so he goes straight to a public-speaking professor himself to try to convince him of his knack for speaking on stage. after giving his prepared speeches, the professor basically tells the man that he's the best speaker he's ever heard, but he's full of crap. he then tells him to, "go earn a point of view and come back when you have something to say." the guy goes on to earn his point of view by working to get employers to hire the war vets who were disabled in action, and he eventually has a hand in getting the veterans with disabilities bill passed.

that line has really stuck with me this week..."earn a point of view". i'll probably have more thoughts on it to come later.

God doesn't make garbage

that's what he said this morning. i had just thanked him for making me a cup of tea, and he thanked me for "being a great nanny", so i mentioned how maybe this past week wasn't so great ((because of the things i forgot, my own crap coming up and interfering with work, and the tension due to the missed communication, and lack thereof)). we joked about perfectionism, and my imperfection & difficulty with it, then in all seriousness C said, "God doesn't make garbage. did you know that?" i said, "so i've been told." i've heard that a million times, in different ways, but why in the world do i believe it more coming from him? let's just say that this guy is...very colorful. ...in his language, in his actions and humor, in his mannerisms & behavior, in his styles of relating to people ((just like his son e-e, he knows no strangers)), and in his own imperfections as well. God doesn't make garbage.

no judgment here

((recall, if you will as you read this, that i said i would write honestly in this blog, even if it's self-exposing. guess, here's to that!))

you know in the movie "the pursuit of happyness" how will smith's character, chris, always starts a new scene with something like "this part is called..."? well if my life were narrated like that movie, this part would be called "swimming against the current". the last part would've been called "sideways rage". and just like in the movie, my scenes run together, bleeding into one another.

so "sideways rage"...a few weeks ago i put the "yoga and the search for the true self" book aside and started reading "facing codependence", by pia mellody, at the recommendation of L, who knows me well and seems to have already read me like a book. this book about codependence is a requirement for all of their teacher-training yoga students because of the junk that it stirs up in so many people's lives, and the direction & hope it seems to bring about along the way. as i do with (almost) all books, i read the dedication, note from the author, forward, acknowledgments, and introduction before jumping into chapter 1. let me just say that it pissed me off. yeah, that's what it did. it felt as though the author had been in my head over the last five years listening to all the realizations i had about the unhealthy ways i relate to people, and then took the liberty of explaining where those things come from and why ((that's the part that really urked me)). i felt like a fraud. here's a little of what the book says...

"(these) men and women operate as if they believe that by being "perfect" in all they do or by pleasing the people around them they can calm the outsized, uncontrollable, and irrational feelings that tyrannize them. they live in the delusion that the bad feelings...can be quelled if they can just "do it better" or win the approval of certain important people in their lives. by this attitude they unconsciously make those people important and their approval responsible for their own happiness. when those they try to please "don't appreciate what i'm doing for them" and will not give the crucial approval, the emotionally tyrannized individuals become furious. but since the good opinion of the would-be approval giver is so important, this rage must be repressed. and although this rage isn't shown directly, the anger may come out "sideways," in sarcasm, forgetfulness, hostile jokes, or other passive-aggressive behaviors. often such men and women appear to be gentle and helpful. a closer examination, however, reveals in them a powerful need to control and manipulate those around them into giving them the approval they believe they need to subdue their overwhelming feelings."

i told L that, after reading that part, i felt like a fraud because i realized how true this is of the motivations behind my being a "good girl", nice, and helpful. i felt like crap. but she told me, "you cannot judge yourself," and "...all those voices inside you telling you that you're this or that need to be acknowledged as liars and then silenced," "there's no judgment here, just a lot of love". for those of you who know the depths of me, you know this seems virtually impossible. but i've honestly been trying, and have surprised myself with how it's going. it's uncomfortable to choose to love rather than judge myself...i realized that since there's no one in my life right now who treats me like crap, i naturally feel like it's up to me to do that to myself. what in the world!?

the "sideways rage" comes out as i try to temporarily live out of what's been repressed rather than continuing to live in the codependent facade of "good girl".

the "swimming against the current" part is this...everything about the last couple of weeks has been conducive to my unhealthy habits of shutting down and retreating into myself, but because i realize my natural tendencies to do this, i'm choosing to try to swim against it. every day feels like it's going to be the last day i can make it. i've felt like quitting every day, but then i think "well, tomorrow's always better." but tomorrow hasn't been better yet. there's been so much chaos, no schedules or routines, crappy & mixed communication, and even no communication. i can't deal with that in this job, with this family. but i stay because, even though L & I have been frustrated with each other a bit, and haven't been communicating well at all, there's still a lot of love and i know that we'll talk about it soon and work something out. someday soon, i know that tomorrow will be better. so even though it's hard right now and i've thought about quitting, it still feels worth it and totally where i need to be right now.

independence day

as i was thinking of a title for this blog, it's sad to say, but it hit me that the 4th of July means no more to me than fireworks. "independence day"...i feel so far removed from the actual celebration of this day that i don't even think about it anymore...i just see colorful explosions in the sky and hear a bunch of cheering. isn't that the way we do? ...build something up so much that it actually strips away the original meaning and creates something of empty hype?

just my thoughts as i type this. it didn't even occur to me on the actual day to celebrate freedom, but here's a picture of the fireworks from where i stood. there were thousands of people crowded on the FDR highway and intersecting streets (23rd through 42nd i believe) in nyc to watch the macy's fireworks show. i only showed up about 20 minutes before it started, so i got a view behind a building, and the fireworks i actually saw were only the ones on the fringe of the main show =) but that's ok. it was raining right up until the start of the show then it suddenly quit. crazy.

in the city

i ventured out to the city for the first time yesterday...by myself! i took the train, so my first stop was grand central station, then i took the subway just a little ways to get closer to central park, then i walked through central park to the museum of natural history. after that i walked to broadway then followed that for a while then ventured off, only to later make my way to 42nd & back to broadway, then to 5th ave and back to the terminal at grand central. lots of walking, but it felt SO good to get out and do that. i felt a lot more comfortable & confident in finding my way around than i thought i would. i have to admit, it was pretty cool. i'm going back on friday to spend the weekend at the apartment. should be tons of fun =) ...wish i had some company...anyone want to jump on a plane friday?? =D here are the 4 pictures i took...

central park


monument in front of the museum of natural history


broadway & times square


another around broadway & times square