i know, i'm going blog-crazy again, but i've just got so much inside that needs to come out and this seems to be the best place for that to happen right now. and i'm sort of exercising compartmentalization...each new thought gets a new post =)
last weekend i rented a movie on i-tunes to watch while i was in the city. it was called "music within". the story is about a man who loses his hearing in an explosion during the war in vietnam and the only person he's able to hear is a man with cerebral palsy. the deaf man, right after losing his hearing, tries to get into college to be a writer or speaker but is denied because of his disability, so he goes straight to a public-speaking professor himself to try to convince him of his knack for speaking on stage. after giving his prepared speeches, the professor basically tells the man that he's the best speaker he's ever heard, but he's full of crap. he then tells him to, "go earn a point of view and come back when you have something to say." the guy goes on to earn his point of view by working to get employers to hire the war vets who were disabled in action, and he eventually has a hand in getting the veterans with disabilities bill passed.
that line has really stuck with me this week..."earn a point of view". i'll probably have more thoughts on it to come later.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
God doesn't make garbage
that's what he said this morning. i had just thanked him for making me a cup of tea, and he thanked me for "being a great nanny", so i mentioned how maybe this past week wasn't so great ((because of the things i forgot, my own crap coming up and interfering with work, and the tension due to the missed communication, and lack thereof)). we joked about perfectionism, and my imperfection & difficulty with it, then in all seriousness C said, "God doesn't make garbage. did you know that?" i said, "so i've been told." i've heard that a million times, in different ways, but why in the world do i believe it more coming from him? let's just say that this guy is...very colorful. ...in his language, in his actions and humor, in his mannerisms & behavior, in his styles of relating to people ((just like his son e-e, he knows no strangers)), and in his own imperfections as well. God doesn't make garbage.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
no judgment here
((recall, if you will as you read this, that i said i would write honestly in this blog, even if it's self-exposing. guess, here's to that!))
you know in the movie "the pursuit of happyness" how will smith's character, chris, always starts a new scene with something like "this part is called..."? well if my life were narrated like that movie, this part would be called "swimming against the current". the last part would've been called "sideways rage". and just like in the movie, my scenes run together, bleeding into one another.
so "sideways rage"...a few weeks ago i put the "yoga and the search for the true self" book aside and started reading "facing codependence", by pia mellody, at the recommendation of L, who knows me well and seems to have already read me like a book. this book about codependence is a requirement for all of their teacher-training yoga students because of the junk that it stirs up in so many people's lives, and the direction & hope it seems to bring about along the way. as i do with (almost) all books, i read the dedication, note from the author, forward, acknowledgments, and introduction before jumping into chapter 1. let me just say that it pissed me off. yeah, that's what it did. it felt as though the author had been in my head over the last five years listening to all the realizations i had about the unhealthy ways i relate to people, and then took the liberty of explaining where those things come from and why ((that's the part that really urked me)). i felt like a fraud. here's a little of what the book says...
"(these) men and women operate as if they believe that by being "perfect" in all they do or by pleasing the people around them they can calm the outsized, uncontrollable, and irrational feelings that tyrannize them. they live in the delusion that the bad feelings...can be quelled if they can just "do it better" or win the approval of certain important people in their lives. by this attitude they unconsciously make those people important and their approval responsible for their own happiness. when those they try to please "don't appreciate what i'm doing for them" and will not give the crucial approval, the emotionally tyrannized individuals become furious. but since the good opinion of the would-be approval giver is so important, this rage must be repressed. and although this rage isn't shown directly, the anger may come out "sideways," in sarcasm, forgetfulness, hostile jokes, or other passive-aggressive behaviors. often such men and women appear to be gentle and helpful. a closer examination, however, reveals in them a powerful need to control and manipulate those around them into giving them the approval they believe they need to subdue their overwhelming feelings."
i told L that, after reading that part, i felt like a fraud because i realized how true this is of the motivations behind my being a "good girl", nice, and helpful. i felt like crap. but she told me, "you cannot judge yourself," and "...all those voices inside you telling you that you're this or that need to be acknowledged as liars and then silenced," "there's no judgment here, just a lot of love". for those of you who know the depths of me, you know this seems virtually impossible. but i've honestly been trying, and have surprised myself with how it's going. it's uncomfortable to choose to love rather than judge myself...i realized that since there's no one in my life right now who treats me like crap, i naturally feel like it's up to me to do that to myself. what in the world!?
the "sideways rage" comes out as i try to temporarily live out of what's been repressed rather than continuing to live in the codependent facade of "good girl".
the "swimming against the current" part is this...everything about the last couple of weeks has been conducive to my unhealthy habits of shutting down and retreating into myself, but because i realize my natural tendencies to do this, i'm choosing to try to swim against it. every day feels like it's going to be the last day i can make it. i've felt like quitting every day, but then i think "well, tomorrow's always better." but tomorrow hasn't been better yet. there's been so much chaos, no schedules or routines, crappy & mixed communication, and even no communication. i can't deal with that in this job, with this family. but i stay because, even though L & I have been frustrated with each other a bit, and haven't been communicating well at all, there's still a lot of love and i know that we'll talk about it soon and work something out. someday soon, i know that tomorrow will be better. so even though it's hard right now and i've thought about quitting, it still feels worth it and totally where i need to be right now.
you know in the movie "the pursuit of happyness" how will smith's character, chris, always starts a new scene with something like "this part is called..."? well if my life were narrated like that movie, this part would be called "swimming against the current". the last part would've been called "sideways rage". and just like in the movie, my scenes run together, bleeding into one another.
so "sideways rage"...a few weeks ago i put the "yoga and the search for the true self" book aside and started reading "facing codependence", by pia mellody, at the recommendation of L, who knows me well and seems to have already read me like a book. this book about codependence is a requirement for all of their teacher-training yoga students because of the junk that it stirs up in so many people's lives, and the direction & hope it seems to bring about along the way. as i do with (almost) all books, i read the dedication, note from the author, forward, acknowledgments, and introduction before jumping into chapter 1. let me just say that it pissed me off. yeah, that's what it did. it felt as though the author had been in my head over the last five years listening to all the realizations i had about the unhealthy ways i relate to people, and then took the liberty of explaining where those things come from and why ((that's the part that really urked me)). i felt like a fraud. here's a little of what the book says...
"(these) men and women operate as if they believe that by being "perfect" in all they do or by pleasing the people around them they can calm the outsized, uncontrollable, and irrational feelings that tyrannize them. they live in the delusion that the bad feelings...can be quelled if they can just "do it better" or win the approval of certain important people in their lives. by this attitude they unconsciously make those people important and their approval responsible for their own happiness. when those they try to please "don't appreciate what i'm doing for them" and will not give the crucial approval, the emotionally tyrannized individuals become furious. but since the good opinion of the would-be approval giver is so important, this rage must be repressed. and although this rage isn't shown directly, the anger may come out "sideways," in sarcasm, forgetfulness, hostile jokes, or other passive-aggressive behaviors. often such men and women appear to be gentle and helpful. a closer examination, however, reveals in them a powerful need to control and manipulate those around them into giving them the approval they believe they need to subdue their overwhelming feelings."
i told L that, after reading that part, i felt like a fraud because i realized how true this is of the motivations behind my being a "good girl", nice, and helpful. i felt like crap. but she told me, "you cannot judge yourself," and "...all those voices inside you telling you that you're this or that need to be acknowledged as liars and then silenced," "there's no judgment here, just a lot of love". for those of you who know the depths of me, you know this seems virtually impossible. but i've honestly been trying, and have surprised myself with how it's going. it's uncomfortable to choose to love rather than judge myself...i realized that since there's no one in my life right now who treats me like crap, i naturally feel like it's up to me to do that to myself. what in the world!?
the "sideways rage" comes out as i try to temporarily live out of what's been repressed rather than continuing to live in the codependent facade of "good girl".
the "swimming against the current" part is this...everything about the last couple of weeks has been conducive to my unhealthy habits of shutting down and retreating into myself, but because i realize my natural tendencies to do this, i'm choosing to try to swim against it. every day feels like it's going to be the last day i can make it. i've felt like quitting every day, but then i think "well, tomorrow's always better." but tomorrow hasn't been better yet. there's been so much chaos, no schedules or routines, crappy & mixed communication, and even no communication. i can't deal with that in this job, with this family. but i stay because, even though L & I have been frustrated with each other a bit, and haven't been communicating well at all, there's still a lot of love and i know that we'll talk about it soon and work something out. someday soon, i know that tomorrow will be better. so even though it's hard right now and i've thought about quitting, it still feels worth it and totally where i need to be right now.
independence day
as i was thinking of a title for this blog, it's sad to say, but it hit me that the 4th of July means no more to me than fireworks. "independence day"...i feel so far removed from the actual celebration of this day that i don't even think about it anymore...i just see colorful explosions in the sky and hear a bunch of cheering. isn't that the way we do? ...build something up so much that it actually strips away the original meaning and creates something of empty hype? just my thoughts as i type this. it didn't even occur to me on the actual day to celebrate freedom, but here's a picture of the fireworks from where i stood. there were thousands of people crowded on the FDR highway and intersecting streets (23rd through 42nd i believe) in nyc to watch the macy's fireworks show. i only showed up about 20 minutes before it started, so i got a view behind a building, and the fireworks i actually saw were only the ones on the fringe of the main show =) but that's ok. it was raining right up until the start of the show then it suddenly quit. crazy.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
in the city
i ventured out to the city for the first time yesterday...by myself! i took the train, so my first stop was grand central station, then i took the subway just a little ways to get closer to central park, then i walked through central park to the museum of natural history. after that i walked to broadway then followed that for a while then ventured off, only to later make my way to 42nd & back to broadway, then to 5th ave and back to the terminal at grand central. lots of walking, but it felt SO good to get out and do that. i felt a lot more comfortable & confident in finding my way around than i thought i would. i have to admit, it was pretty cool. i'm going back on friday to spend the weekend at the apartment. should be tons of fun =) ...wish i had some company...anyone want to jump on a plane friday?? =D here are the 4 pictures i took...
central park
monument in front of the museum of natural history
broadway & times square
another around broadway & times square
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